Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
