trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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