I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I smell stomach acid.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
