Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
