I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
