I skipped work to stalk him.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
