I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
