I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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