I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My Higher Power is John Stamos
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
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