I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
