He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
