my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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