My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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