Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
