I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
