maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
