All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
