So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
