He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
