remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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