my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
