I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
