my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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