the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
