You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
