I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
