Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
