im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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