The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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