my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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