i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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