I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
