OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
