Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
We are all done wearing pants today
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
