it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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