You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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