he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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