I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
