Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
