I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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