Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
