we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
