HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
