Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
