exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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