I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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