I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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