Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
