guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
