I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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