wanna go halves on a baby?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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