next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
