i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
