You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
