if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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