if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
