hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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