I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
