You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
