At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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