Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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