I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
