genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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